August and its rain has gone but feelings seem the same... If I were Icarus, I'd fly closer to the sun to get its warmth in this cold November day.
Redzēju tik savādu sapni šonakt. Nekad neesmu lasījis Žila Verna grāmatu "Astoņdesmit dienās apkārt zemeslodei", bet manā sapnī norisinājās šīs grāmatas "ekranizācija". Es dzīvoju 19. gs, biju sabiedrībā nevēlams vīrietis. Tā kā biju drausmīgs brunču mednieks, tad pie manis nāca sieviešu tēvi izteikt draudus un nepatiku pret mani. Es rīkoju dažādas dzīres, biju asprātis, nēsāju augstu cilindru, biju turīgs un patiku meitenēm. Kāds mans jauns paziņa jau ļoti ilgu laiku plānoja veikt ceļojumu apkārt zemeslodei (vēl neviens to nekad nebija veicis). Viņš rūpīgi gatavojās, jo vēlējās būt pirmais. Bet es, būdams nelietis un zinot viņa plānu, izdomāju viņu apsteigt un bez nekādas sagatavošanās sākt ceļojumu, nozogot viņa ideju. Sapnis pārrāvās brīdī, kad atvadījos no savas daiļās dāmas.
Lūk tāds sapnis.
The streets of my town are so empty this night. The road is sparkling so beautifully. The air is the winter's air. I haven't been outside in the night for a long time, it seems. I really enjoy early mornings lately. And I think this night... I always try to run away from my thoughts. I involve myself into as many activities as I can. In my free time I get lost into books, yoga, people, studies, movies, music, art or anything else. This night I had an hour to get home from a bar. And I was completely alone in the wonderful silence of this town. I didn't have my audiobook with me. Or a bike to get home fast. In this night of spirits and ghosts I met the ghosts of the past. I always meet them when I let myself be free from any obstacles. Being alone with my thoughts has became so unusual. In these moments I feel so alive and so fragile. The beauty of the town and nature melts together with the beauty of my memories and feelings. Then I want to smile and cry at the same time. To yell out or close my eyes and fall into autumn leaves and sleep. Usually I have an everyday feeling that I'm not able to feel anymore. That I got this serenity and nothing can break me anymore. Nothing can make me suffer as I did before. I feel stable and sane. But deep inside I know that I'm hiding so many storms in myself. I try not to pay attention to everything that bothers me. I try to pretend like there is nothing wrong and will never be. It's sad when you catch yourself lying to yourself. Or trying to conceal something from yourself. Some people lie to themselves all the time. But I believe that there are so many beautiful lies that are better than bitter truths. I keep some lies in myself too. I feed them so they live.
It's the night of spirits and ghosts. They are invited in my room and in my dreams. I miss the world we invented... all these creatures of our fantasies. I miss it so much tonight.
Between The Lines